Correspondencia

I'm not even sure if I should write this in English or Spanish. 

English so you will understand it. Spanish since I'm writting it from the heart. It reminds me of you singing to me in your mother tongues, Urdu and Punjabi. It reminds me of you saying: "I wish you could understand the lyrics because part of the message gets lost in translation" but, as I always say to you, it is the way you look at me when you sing them and what your voice makes me feel what speaks to me about those songs. 

I never thought I would be writting again for someone else. I thought I would keep writting to those from my past who ended up being just a rupture to my inner self; longing for something idealized that, at the end, was not love. At least not love in return. 

And, at the same time, I'm so afraid of writting, of jinxing this... Of you walking away. Of me getting scared and walking away. Of me loving you more than you love me. Because I guess no one was either taught how to love, never the less how to love in a healthy way.

And I kind of hate you and myself for that. I hate you because you made me love you. You allowed me to see a part of you I was eager to love.

And you made me feel so sure of your feelings for me over and over again that I let myself go even tho I knew I was in charge of what I felt. I had "la sartén por el mango". And now I feel I don't. And that scares me already. 

And that's what I hate myself for. Because I allowed you to have this part of me I've cherished for so long to protect my heart from the pain. So I feel like I gave up on that little girl within me. Because she's been in such dark places, so deep down, that it took me forever to pull her out, to bring her back to the light. And, after that, I decided to protect her at all costs. So I built a shield. A wall around me. A wall I promised myself a long time ago I should never built.

When you finally were here for the first time, after acknowledging what I feel for you, even if it was for a few hours, the world made sense. And I realized I was looking for your touch all the time...

I remember when I used to say you were too romantic for my taste. And then I confessed to you I used to be like that before men broke my heart too many times. So I was holding on to you, sometimes afraid of you not wanting to hold on to me... But then I remember two different things you said.

First, at your arrival:

- "Do you think people is judging us when they see us holding hands because I'm Pakistani and you're Spanish?"

Last, when you were leaving, after you kissed me on the street:

- "If I were doing this back in my country, I'd be dead. I get jumpy sometimes when you touch me because I'm not used to do this out in the public; because I was not allowed to do this before"

And then it hit me: even if holding hands, walking together and kissing each other felt like something we had been doing for a long time, it was a first time for both of us. So I was afraid you would get tired of me holding you and you were afraid of doing things you're not sure if you're allow to do. 

All of these led me to accept how much more I needed you here. Because I was very excited to figure out what we have; to learn with you, to see you thrive leaving your fears behind, to allow myself let go of my fears. 

And I know we were not supposed to meet that way. But we were not supposed to be where we are now either. I was not supposed to fall in love with you. And things happen when they are meant to happen.

You said it looked like I had less "desires" compared to yours. Less "wildness". But this is also coming from a place of fear because, with all the open-minded I can be, no one ever gave me the chance to explore myself. The same way you did not have an open space to explore yourself before. And you've already seen that has changed.

That's why I asked for your patience. Because it took me some time to be where I was when you met me. And now I was willing to undo that path to go back where I was before being hurt, so I could enjoy the ride along with you.

I remember now when we first met. When you used to put your arm around my shoulders or you used to touch my hair. I remember that I felt imprison and I wanted to move away. But then it has became a part of the things I want you to do: for you to hold me, to look for my touch, to try to play with my hair. 

And it is funny when you say you're afraid of me not wanting to commit to you because I know I already am. Most of my close ones know I am with you, while you cannot tell anyone from your side because what we have would not be accepted. 

Weeks back, I wanted to upload a story with a picture of us. It is a picture I took of you and I at Enjoy Coffee and I sent to Juanfran when he asked: "What's the couple doing today?". And we look so happy and beautiful that I wanted to upload it and I finally got to do something about that. 

I know it's stupid but now, sometimes I feel that I love you more than you love me. When I used to feel it was the other way around. I guess it's part of my insecurities. But I usually feel like I look for your kisses, your hugs and your attention in public more than you do for mine. Which for me, doing that in public, speaks loud and clear about me being with you, since with other guys I never wanted for people to know. And even if I wanted to, I was afraid of doing something that would make them walk away. But not with you. 

And at some point I've understood why do I feel like this. Because everything you said we would do in public when we were video calling is not all of what we've done in person.

In my case, I've done everything I thought I wouldn't do. But now the time, you being tired, the lack of hours in the day and Ramadan coming closer it's freaking me out. 

I always remember when you told me you were sorry because you came into my life carrying a lot of problems regarding to family, like having to keep what you and I have in secrecy. And I never cared because I knew from the beginning, but there are still some things I don't know how to deal with.

In my case I'm sorry because I also come with problems on my own, like being insecure now about what you feel for me just because you are not behaving like I thought you would. 

When I've seen other people relationships, even my own, I always hated what is called "tira y afloja" (cut and thrust). It means you don't have to give everything to your significant other. You have to pull from the rope of the relationship and then let it loose, like a game where you cannot be fully honest.

And sadly, now I feel I'm doing that to you. And I hate it because I believe it's hormons, lack of habit and fear to suffer.

I have told you why Ramadan scares me. To me it feels like you're slipping away through my fingers. Specially about the lack of intimacy and I'm not talking about sex. And maybe that's why it looks I'm walking away. Because I can see you're capable of doing it. And I don't want to be the one longing for something I cannot get. While videocalls all we needed was to touch each other to make it real, to prove we were not going anywhere and we would be there for each other. Now we can have it but you're not allowed. And I feel, when I met you in December, I was able to challenge you about these religious things. I was able to talk about it openly without fear, without being worry of you getting mad. And now I can't. Because doing it feels like hurting you. And it didn't feel that way before. And I wish I could take that back.

I'm always been very touchy and I need physical contact to reasure my feelings, my empowerment, my security and safety... And one month is too long and I know it's going to hurt me not being able to touch you or kiss you because someone decided what we have it's a sin. And I'm not a sin. What I feel is not a sin. Many people, familiars and friends, made me feel bad for being caring and in need of love and kisses, and they rejected my love and hurt me as a child. Many men made me feel I was a sin, or what we had was a sin, or even what they did with me was a sinful thing, as an adult...  And I fought hard to live my life the way I wanted, with the freedom I could have, loving myself for who I am, and it makes me angry and sad the belief of someone judging who I am or what I am just because we naturally and purely love each other.  

And I feel like crying, like I have a weight on my chest. And I feel selfish too and in need of SPACE. 

Away from you, from the world, to reconnect to myself, to Earth.

And I'm sorry because whatever I'm feeling, I know you're feeling it too, like a short-circuit between your soul and mine. 

I'm in an apocaliptic mood: if your religion, your family and your friends/ roommates are against us, why do we keep fighting it? 

Because my lack of religion, my family, my friends and even my colleagues are embracing us.
And I don't know how much I can pull from my side of that rope. 

It is not about you telling anyone from your family about us. Even if I feel you cannot even share the friends/ roommates part with me because it feels like I'm an outsider, when I can openly share all my friends part with you.
It is more about knowing that it does not matter when you do tell them, they won't accept us. Neither will your believes. They won't accept me. 

And I know I'm more than good. Not just as a person, but as a whole. A ball of light. And I cannot allow myself to lose that. Not again. Not for anyone. 

Can we have everything?

Can you have everything?

Because I know I can.