Have you ever met someone that feels like a boomerang to your life? No matter how fast and far away you run from them, or how many years have passed by since you throw them away, they keep coming back, making you weaker, like your kryptonite.
Once they are back you just keep picking them up, because that's what you do.
Have you ever fallen in love so hard that the world has stopped in front of your eyes? You've loved them so much that it does not matter how bad they hurt you, because that love is like a dormant volcano that becomes active every time they reach out to you. You want to save them, to sooth them. Help them back to recovery. You just keep holding out your hand because that love you feel is stronger than the pain it caused you.
Well, that's what he is to me. My personal kryptonite. The guy with the green eyes that I met in a Greek island. He's all that I ever wanted. And that's the biggest risk a love like that has: idealizing.
Because it comes a time where you won't remember anything bad of what happend. Or you will, but it won't matter. All the tears, every broken promises, the loneliness after he was gone.
You bury those feelings and you believe with all your heart that you're over it. So hard that you start thinking: that was it.
Then it comes the dreams. From time to time. So isolate in time and space but so vivid, so real that feels like a hunch. And you are the one reaching out. Because you care, that's who you are. And you were right.
You decided to erase him a long time ago but it did not work out as you expected...
I assure you I look back and try to remember everything that happened. Every moment, every smile, every kiss... And memories become just bits and pieces of a blurry story. No matter how hard I try, all I can see are little fragments. I guess, when I thought I vanished you from my life, my brain simply deleted the images. It's the same that happens when you format a hard drive; it wipes the memory but some files remain unseen for a newbie. Maybe I forgot to delete how those, now blurry moments, felt. And that's why my brain keeps dragging me to you. And I made peace with it over time.
Something made me text you. You may not ever believe it but my sixth sense is still looking for you. That little girl I always talk about when it comes to you still has hope. She loved you so much and she felt so loved (and so left behind) that she won't stop trying. Trying to save you, trying to cry out for your attention. It seems like she refuse to believe that a passion so human could be ever forgotten. And therefore me, the woman I became (and wasn't such a little girl afterall) allows herself to do it.
I must confess I've been watching all the footage I have from our Erasmus. And I have plenty of it. Pictures and videos. Parties, meetings, small gatherings, you playing the guitar as a Spaniard... Sometimes I betray myself and think this was all me. My imagination... Then I see the pictures and videos you took of me. And I remember the words of your letter:
Did we break our promises? Like it or not, I can tell I never succeded in my will to forget you.
I have the feeling you grew older too fast. You, your culture, whatever the circumstances around you when you came back, made you believe you had to. Maybe your family or friends or even yourself, which was sometimes your worst enemy.
I've watched those memories to remember you. To remember us. We may have change, I'll give you that. But not that much. I refuse to believe that smiley man is gone. You were happy. So happy.
There has always been a darkness in you. We all have it. I do have it. But I wish you could see what I saw in you. Maybe I was the yang to your yin. Or maybe it's just what I want to believe... But we both know how salty our tears were when we kissed goodbye.
And I acknowledge your guilt for our sins. I could even understand why us, what we had, what we were, what I represented for you, with every light and shadow, was tainted in your conscience... But I refuse to believe I was just that: a stain, a sin. Because we had so much more. We built our paradise with its flaws... But it was ours.
And for the sake of that paradise I might be doomed to love you always.
To keep caring about you, your whereabouts, your well-being.
I don't know what led you to this current situation. I always said I was a witch but not a psychic.
Damn, I don't even know if you ever think about all of this... Don't blame me. These are the only memories you allowed me to keep about you after eight years. The only you I ever got to know. But I guess I just want you to know that you matter. You are a part of me that I don't ever want to lose. That's what you wanted too. You never wanted to lose me. And it may seem you did but I was here this whole time.
And I will always find you. I don't know how. I don't know to which aim, but I will.
You are Marco, with a Spanish "r".
"The beautiful guy with a lisp" according to some.
"The handsome German with a sexy accent" according to me. The eyes that had me magnetized. Those eyes that would tell me either you were happy or sad or angry by changing their color. A palette that I knew too well for my sake. The forty-five minutes walk to Kanoni just to see you with the excuse of shooting some landscapes for my Erasmus project. The friend who I used to share toothbrush with. The classmate I used to study Greek with and would furtively kiss me because we were inevitably drawn to each other. The night walks into the sea to stargazing, the evening walks to eat some ice-cream, the morning walks after fighting in a night party, where we made peace and amends and admitted outloud what we were feeling for real. The hugs after a nightmare you had of us being taken apart. The one I used to turn every morning to and spoon with. The sittings on the rooftop looking at the horizon, dreaming of a different outcome for us.
The last kiss before that bus drove me away from our paradise. The emails that faded away with time.
I cannot know how you ended up in such a dark place. I guess I just want you to know that you mean something to me, to many other people. And if I drag you back to all of this it's because I want to take you back to a place where I knew you were happy. Because I've seen your smile. Your true smile. Not just smiling with your lips but with all of you, with your eyes and your body. And oh man, I wish you could see you through my eyes at least once. I wish you could live through the first moment I saw you, when I lay my eyes in your eyes and the world stopped, and the people dissapeared...
Because then you could see how big your soul is. The energy that I felt and carried me through those five months of pure love.
Once they are back you just keep picking them up, because that's what you do.
Have you ever fallen in love so hard that the world has stopped in front of your eyes? You've loved them so much that it does not matter how bad they hurt you, because that love is like a dormant volcano that becomes active every time they reach out to you. You want to save them, to sooth them. Help them back to recovery. You just keep holding out your hand because that love you feel is stronger than the pain it caused you.
Well, that's what he is to me. My personal kryptonite. The guy with the green eyes that I met in a Greek island. He's all that I ever wanted. And that's the biggest risk a love like that has: idealizing.
Because it comes a time where you won't remember anything bad of what happend. Or you will, but it won't matter. All the tears, every broken promises, the loneliness after he was gone.
You bury those feelings and you believe with all your heart that you're over it. So hard that you start thinking: that was it.
Then it comes the dreams. From time to time. So isolate in time and space but so vivid, so real that feels like a hunch. And you are the one reaching out. Because you care, that's who you are. And you were right.
You decided to erase him a long time ago but it did not work out as you expected...
I assure you I look back and try to remember everything that happened. Every moment, every smile, every kiss... And memories become just bits and pieces of a blurry story. No matter how hard I try, all I can see are little fragments. I guess, when I thought I vanished you from my life, my brain simply deleted the images. It's the same that happens when you format a hard drive; it wipes the memory but some files remain unseen for a newbie. Maybe I forgot to delete how those, now blurry moments, felt. And that's why my brain keeps dragging me to you. And I made peace with it over time.
Something made me text you. You may not ever believe it but my sixth sense is still looking for you. That little girl I always talk about when it comes to you still has hope. She loved you so much and she felt so loved (and so left behind) that she won't stop trying. Trying to save you, trying to cry out for your attention. It seems like she refuse to believe that a passion so human could be ever forgotten. And therefore me, the woman I became (and wasn't such a little girl afterall) allows herself to do it.
I must confess I've been watching all the footage I have from our Erasmus. And I have plenty of it. Pictures and videos. Parties, meetings, small gatherings, you playing the guitar as a Spaniard... Sometimes I betray myself and think this was all me. My imagination... Then I see the pictures and videos you took of me. And I remember the words of your letter:
«I guess you can remember that I told you "I will miss you" after one month I had arrived Corfu and you are "special" for me. This is and was true. When I told you this in the past and also now it is a "I miss you" not with the "passion of lovers", not with the "passion of physical need". It is with the "passion of human". It is the passion you feel if you are with someone and you like to spend your time with someone. You like to be alone with someone and you like to be outside with other people with this special someone. And for me, without doubt, you were this special someone. With you I felt comfortable, I felt true and alive. You know not all the time, but also in the moments when I was angry with you, I felt connected. [···] And after all it would be a lie if I would say there was nothing more!!! [···] I enjoyed, or better I loved every moment when you hugged me, when I was close to you. When I was closer to you, than anybody else on this island. Maybe I never told you, but also me got goose skin when I saw you laughing! And not because you were laughing about one of my jokes, also the laughs when you were in the same room and speaking with someone else and I was looking at you. Yes, you were like a magnet (or me) and yes, I was searching for you to be close to you. And believe me, I was fighting really hard with myself. And I guess this fight was a problem all the time. The fight with my feelings and the fight also with yours!!! In some parts I wished I would be able to don't care about you! I thought maybe when I don't care, I can stop my fight and can set you free. But something inside me was not able to do this step. Something was still searching for you [···]. In some parts I felt like I have to say: "I'm sorry with all my heart Bea that I'm not able to go in distance. Sorry Bea, that I let you suffer, only because I'm not able to make a decision!" [···] Please, stay in contact with me, even if I know it is maybe now much more difficult. Please, don't let me lose that special part in you, don't let me lose that special person you are for me!! Don't let me lose you! I know you promised me many times and I pray this is true! [···] I told you many times but I want you to be sure. I never played with you or your feelings. What happened between us was never thought from my side as a summer love or even worst, as a summer adventure! And you know that. I don't regret what happened!!! [···] More in the opposite! I'm happy what we've done. Also you made me happy in so many moments in this 5 months! Like you said! I need the Spanish warm!!! Thank you for also sharing it with me! [···] Thank you for all the reasons you made me laugh and also sometimes angry [···] Thank you for YOU, YOU, YOU!!!! [···] I could make forecasts [on what could happen after Corfu]. I could give you a lot of hope (and believe me, I guess if you would know which fantasies I had in my brain in the last days without you, you would hope and maybe never stop smiling) [···]. But I can tell you my wish. I want to write you and I want to see you in Skype! Because if we break on our promises, we will also break our hope. [···] I will never forget you and I hope you never want to forget me!.»
Did we break our promises? Like it or not, I can tell I never succeded in my will to forget you.
I have the feeling you grew older too fast. You, your culture, whatever the circumstances around you when you came back, made you believe you had to. Maybe your family or friends or even yourself, which was sometimes your worst enemy.
I've watched those memories to remember you. To remember us. We may have change, I'll give you that. But not that much. I refuse to believe that smiley man is gone. You were happy. So happy.
There has always been a darkness in you. We all have it. I do have it. But I wish you could see what I saw in you. Maybe I was the yang to your yin. Or maybe it's just what I want to believe... But we both know how salty our tears were when we kissed goodbye.
And I acknowledge your guilt for our sins. I could even understand why us, what we had, what we were, what I represented for you, with every light and shadow, was tainted in your conscience... But I refuse to believe I was just that: a stain, a sin. Because we had so much more. We built our paradise with its flaws... But it was ours.
And for the sake of that paradise I might be doomed to love you always.
To keep caring about you, your whereabouts, your well-being.
I don't know what led you to this current situation. I always said I was a witch but not a psychic.
Damn, I don't even know if you ever think about all of this... Don't blame me. These are the only memories you allowed me to keep about you after eight years. The only you I ever got to know. But I guess I just want you to know that you matter. You are a part of me that I don't ever want to lose. That's what you wanted too. You never wanted to lose me. And it may seem you did but I was here this whole time.
And I will always find you. I don't know how. I don't know to which aim, but I will.
You are Marco, with a Spanish "r".
"The beautiful guy with a lisp" according to some.
"The handsome German with a sexy accent" according to me. The eyes that had me magnetized. Those eyes that would tell me either you were happy or sad or angry by changing their color. A palette that I knew too well for my sake. The forty-five minutes walk to Kanoni just to see you with the excuse of shooting some landscapes for my Erasmus project. The friend who I used to share toothbrush with. The classmate I used to study Greek with and would furtively kiss me because we were inevitably drawn to each other. The night walks into the sea to stargazing, the evening walks to eat some ice-cream, the morning walks after fighting in a night party, where we made peace and amends and admitted outloud what we were feeling for real. The hugs after a nightmare you had of us being taken apart. The one I used to turn every morning to and spoon with. The sittings on the rooftop looking at the horizon, dreaming of a different outcome for us.
The last kiss before that bus drove me away from our paradise. The emails that faded away with time.
I cannot know how you ended up in such a dark place. I guess I just want you to know that you mean something to me, to many other people. And if I drag you back to all of this it's because I want to take you back to a place where I knew you were happy. Because I've seen your smile. Your true smile. Not just smiling with your lips but with all of you, with your eyes and your body. And oh man, I wish you could see you through my eyes at least once. I wish you could live through the first moment I saw you, when I lay my eyes in your eyes and the world stopped, and the people dissapeared...
Because then you could see how big your soul is. The energy that I felt and carried me through those five months of pure love.
You know? It's snowing here right now. And as the ice can burn, there has always been something really romantic and warm about that freezing white blanket covering the green grass, outside in the dark. And it doesn't matter how dark is the night or how little the moon shines... You can always see the white snow reflecting some light through the darkest night.
I am sorry if these words unsettle you. I am sorry this is the only way I know to get to you. This is what I have always done. Writting is the only thing I have left to talk to you. And I had to appeal to what I know of you, even if that's the mighty good old times.
Believe it or not, I've seen throught your darkness and also there you were able to reflect the light.
You can do it, Marco. You can reflect the light. Close your eyes, hold my hand and come back to the light.
I have always believed in you.
I am sorry if these words unsettle you. I am sorry this is the only way I know to get to you. This is what I have always done. Writting is the only thing I have left to talk to you. And I had to appeal to what I know of you, even if that's the mighty good old times.
Believe it or not, I've seen throught your darkness and also there you were able to reflect the light.
You can do it, Marco. You can reflect the light. Close your eyes, hold my hand and come back to the light.
I have always believed in you.
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| Picture by Marco Kempf [07/06/2012, Corfú (Greece)] "Then love knew it was called love. And when I lifted my eyes to your name, suddenly your heart showed me my way." Pablo Neruda, Veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada |
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