Forgiveness

I'm sorry, you know? 

I'm sorry because I promised you and myself that I'd love you well. And sometimes I'm not doing that. 

I'm sorry because most of the time, when you text me and I see your text but I don't reply is because I miss you but I still don't have the courage to be honest with myself and you. 

I'm sorry because, when I feel overwhelmed, stucked or afraid is because I deeply love you in a way I cannot understand, nor express. 

I'm sorry because, even if promised to be honest about what I feel, most of the time I'm not even able to speak up and tell you what's bothering me. 

I'm sorry because nobody taught me how to love in a healthy way and I sold you the idea of a healthy relationship even if I only knew how to theoretically, do it, but not how to put in practice.

I'm sorry because I was alone for so long that sometimes I cannot manage my alone time and I miss you when I shouldn't and blame you for not being there even if it is my fault for not being able to compartmentalize. 

I'm sorry because by loving and caring about you I'm forgetting to ask you how to love me and care for me in return. 

I'm sorry because I sometimes look at you and I see a child I'm mothering even if our love has anything to do with that. 

I'm sorry for not being patient because being by your side feels like we've been together for years and I still expect from you to change the things I know it took me years to change. 

I'm sorry because sometimes I long for a life without you and don't tell to some people that I'm with you because it feels hard to acknowledge this commitment in spaces I know we won't ever be able to share, like bars and drunk situations. 

I'm sorry for me because learning how to keep loving me while loving you is still difficult to process.I am sorry because I'm still expecting to have this idealistic relationship you sold me when we were apart, even if I did not want it at that time, and now I'm not capable of dealing with the disappointment of not having all those things you said. 

I'm sorry because even if I know I need my personal space, I cannot understand when you need yours and I get sad and mad because it feels as if I love you more than you love me.

I'm sorry for expecting you to behave in a way I made up in my mind without verbalizing how I feel more comfortable.

I'm sorry because I want you to learn how to give me more pleasure and not being so selfish in bed but I'm still unable to speak up, take the initiative and make things clearer.

I'm sorry because I do not understand religions. I do not understand why people just accept that loving someone is a sin, I don't understand why are always women the unholy ones when we are as sacred as our Earth.

I'm sorry because I want you to involve me more in your costumes and life and culture but you don't ever do it on your own and I have to ask because you're not used to. But I don't ask because I'm afraid you'll say no and that will make me feel bad. And I don't ask because I've learned other cultures and behaviors by repetition and I cannot understand why you're not doing that: mimicking behaviors you're seeing in all of us to make me feel loved.

I'm sorry because you always tell me it is amazing the way I love and care you and, everytime you say that, I want to ask who's taking care of me but I don't have the courage to tell you because you'll be sad.

I'm sorry because I am afraid if I see you as a kid now I might start seeing you as a friend instead of my partner, even if I don't want you to grew up fast so you can experience all the things you should experience. 

I'm sorry because I'm afraid I might not survive Ramadan.