Necesidad emocional

A dear friend of mine was wondering if you got attached to me because of emotional needs. Meaning I'm your source of energy, security and safety and you only need me or love me because of that. 

I guess right now I feel like a ball of vibes who was shut down and you lighted on. And, at the same time your presence feeds the ball to get brighter but you also feed from its source. So you are the fuel and the refractory all at once. 

I know you love me, but I also know I deserve to be loved as much I do love people. So I guess it was not in my imagination when I told you I felt less loved. You said it was because you are not used to, you are shy and new to this relationships world... I guess it might be this other reason instead. I also might be wrong. And of course it is clear we cannot force love into people, nor control if one person loves the other more or less, but I know what I deserve. And it is also not fair for me to be with someone who is not sure if he will be able to love me more than he loves me now in a uncertain future. I can't always live in fear of that.

I did not say you are like Mosta and Yousuf but that you sounded like them, like if you don't care if we're together or not. 

And comparing your previous relationship to what we have does not help. Because it sounds exactly like an emotional need. It feels like, when you feel complete again, when you're back on your feet, you might get rid of me and won't think twice about it. A mean to an end.

I have always been loved halfway. I have never felt completly loved by any men I've been in a relatioship with of any kind. And I promised myself I would not allow myself to ever feel that way ever again. To not settle for any less than what I deserve. 

I really cannot understand why are you with me if you feel like that. Because I would not be with anyone if that's how I feel. Because I know when someone loves halfway, it is nearly impossible to ever love that someone completly. At least in my experience.

And you cannot put that burden in my shoulders saying: "I may feel toxic myself because I think the way I think is not good it’s a bad way and that makes me to be more reserved and not to speak up". Because that is something you need to work on yourself and you cannot pour it over me or blame me for you being more open or reserved if your words hurt me. I cannot do your personal work and my personal work.

There is not point of view from your side to be understood even if you think there is one. It feels more like a "leave it or take it" situation. And I rather leave and love myself the way I was doing before you than expecting you'll be able to see me for what I am one day. That's why I said it's better to know sooner than later. So I can decide if I am willing to take it or leave it before I get more involved because it will be harder for me to get back to my senses after being heartbroken.

And it hurts even more because it feels like you won't even try to fight for me if I leave. Like if you never really loved me.

Either you've explained yourself veeeery poorly or I'm the most naif person in this world. And both could be true and wrong at the same time.

And I know I am an amazing woman and an amazing person. And I know I deeply love you. And I love you well and I love you in a healthy way.

And I am so sorry if you cannot see that or feel the same way I feel about you. Because this is the only way I know how to love someone. And that is the only way I want someone to love me back.